Hurty Gertie

Who knows if it was a flare, my doc doesn’t get hung up on negatives. She was happier that rest and pills helped me get better. But wants to monitor me for colds and stuff, to see if it happens too frequently. Apparently she’s only had to pull 2 people off of my meds in 20 years off of it, at least for excessive illness.

Resting has helped, but I’ve also been working hard when not at work; resting when I can and adequate air conditioning and things are necessary. Also hydration. I pee all day but no worries.

Newer job stuff starts in a few weeks, I’m on a break until then. We’ll see how it goes, shouldn’t be so exhasuting. My garden has gone to crap now. Mostly to the birds, devestated my tomatoes. But I’ll wait until it cools down a bit to rebuild my defenses against them.

Thinking about going off of the allergy med. When I missed it it wasn’t a big deal, and on allergy days it didn’t feel like it was helping much. Maybe I’ll go back to an OTC for a while, but I’ve had some minor depression and sleep issues that might be related to it.

I don’t know. I’m still achy and tire easily, and need lots of ice. Taking my once a day pain pill and it’s helping but I HATE the nausea.

I think I’m having my first flare. Ow doesn’t even begin to cover it.

The shot is helping. So is being over that dang long-haul cold.

But I’m starting to talk about this a bit more in real life, though not on my broad social network, mostly with a few close friends and family. But I’m running into a ‘problem’ I had with them more and more.

There aren’t any words I can find that really elevator-pitch this. I was talking with someone who does a lot more than I do. Full time long hour job, all kinds of stuff with and for the kids, who has been through a lot and is still in the middle of a lot. I tried to get across the exhaustion – “Well your husband (who works full time and more too) should do more.”

Except that he is, but apparently “not enough”. And I’m not doing “enough” either. “So you have to lose weight. Why haven’t you? Why aren’t you? Why are you slamming cokes instead of water?” And I don’t want to shout, so I just reiterate it firmly and calmy; “I’m exhausted. Everything hurts. I’m using the caffeine to get through the day.”

I don’t have the 120% to “give” anymore. And the spirit is wanting, but the project is “understaffed” to stay the least.

But I am doing in some ways better. Awake more (might be the caffeine). Some ways my brain isn’t as sharp as it was and that’s very frustrating. Cutting back on my work schedule is helping, also the commute and increasing the work from home options. Some job shifting a bit so I’m actually flying the desk more instead of prepping the other flyers for combat, so to speak.

But when I’m faced with someone who I can “hear” shouting in their head at me that I’m malingering … it’s hard. Because sometimes I feel like I might be, too, until the pain hits. Even now, after a mostly at the desk day, just typing I’ve got shooting pains. :( And the week has worn me down, I so want to sleep but I also want to sit up and snuggle with my hubby.

I don’t know why I feel I have to defend it, and when I try to do so, come up so short and dry.