I’m sorry, but the first thing I thought was, “Kill me now”.
Thursday, March 25th, 2010I know that suicide isn’t funny, nor suicidal ideation or anything else. The thought came to mind as a friend described the potential side effects of a new drug for Rheumatoid Arthritis. Bowel Perforation. LOVELY.
It’s scary thinking about what these drugs can do to us, and knowing what can or will happen if we don’t. And compared to some of my friends, I’m rather healthy – the exhaustion and pain of being tired and the cramping when my joints hurt is bad, but I’m not bad enough to need pain meds any more. Not that I was on anything heavy to begin with. What’s a little nausea and needing to avoid alcohol. I don’t drink much anyway, so no hardship.
But my kids can see when I’m in my exhausted phase. I see their grave little eyes over the kitchen table, sizing me up. I don’t want that look. I don’t want to be that mom. Shot day is coming soon. And I like how my swelling has responded to all this; gone down, though some of that has to do with my allergy control. Sorry, digress. I don’t want to be that mom. I don’t want them to look at me with those eyes. Wah wah sucks to be me. Just the long term exhaustion talking. It’s not bad, it’s been worse, and shot day is coming, yay.